Teen Porn from Unkie Steve

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” God said.

Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”

Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time.”

A fellow came to a house with a red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was no one in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading “Over 35″ and “Under 35.”

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said “Over 35.”

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, “Over 8 inches” and “Under 8 inches.”

Truthful again, he went through the “Under 8 inches” door and found himself  in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, “Once a night” and “Over 4 times a night.”

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked “Once a night” and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is, “Always tell the truth and you’ll never get screwed.”

Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

The first lady said, “I don’t know bout y’all, but I’m gonna wear me some hot pink panties before I gets on that plane.”

“Why you gonna wear that?” the other two asked.

The first replied, “Cause, if that plane goes down and I’m out there laying butt-up in a corn field, they can find me first.”

The second lady says, “Well, I’m a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties.”

“Why you gonna wear that?” the others asked. The second lady answered:

“Cause if this here plane is goin’ down and I’m floating butt-up in the ocean, they can see me first.”

The third old lady says, “Well, I’m not going to wear any panties……

“What? No panties?!” the others said in disbelief.

“That’s right; you heard me. I’m not wearing any panties,” the third lady said, “cause if this plane goes down, they always look for that black box first!!!”

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
 
“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”  The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row.  The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything.  She’s married and we can’t go to her house.  I’m married and we can’t go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.  We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

Long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to.

More Stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree fat man?”

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. “Hello?” said a little girl’s voice. “Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” said Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob said, “But you don’t have an Uncle Frank, honey!”

“Yes I do. He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”

“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my god! And what about Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he’s dead too.”

There was a long pause, then Bob said, “Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?”

A man needs a room for the night. He stops at an inn and asks for lodgings. The innkeeper says that he doesn’t have any rooms available but there is one big bed in a room that he can share with another man but he must warn him that the man snores so bad that no one can stand it.The traveler says that would be fine. Next morning he comes down all smiles and tells the innkeeper that he had a great nights sleep.

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. “I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest,” said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. “I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest,” said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. “I would like to marry a man with one draggin’ on the ground,” said the youngest daughter.

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no scarf on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”